I'll Take Cancer With a Side of Crushing Guilt...To Go

I am lucky. I was diagnosed with early stage Breast Cancer, had four surgeries in eight months, lost my breasts, my ovaries, my uterus, my fallopian tubes, my cervix... but I am lucky.

I ran into a girlfriend last night who asked why I hadn't blogged in awhile and I had one answer for her, guilt. Crushing guilt. You see I have been blessed with many friends along the way. Some of them old true blues but most of them new friends that I have collected. Friends that have shared the same doubts, fears, frustration and disdain for our unwanted guest, cancer.

In the beginning of these friendships, I felt an immediate kinship with these women. I knew that whatever questions or concerns I had, they would pipe right in and give me good, experienced advice. I honestly couldn't have done it without them and I turned to them often. What I didn't understand is that even in cancer, there is a hierarchy. Wanted or not.

Along the way, I have been introduced to many women with cancer. Have talked them through their surgeries and their impending chemos, helping them to be strong while I slink off and weep in the corner on their behalf and mine.

You see I am lucky. I had early stage Breast Cancer, had four surgeries in eight months, lost my breasts, my ovaries, my uterus, my fallopian tubes, my cervix but I did not have endless rounds of chemo, did not have neulasta injections that made my bones hurt, did not have radiation treatments that burned my skin, did not have to continue taking Tamoxifen or any other Aromotose Inhibitor for countless years not knowing what that was doing to my body.

What I realized in my blogging journey was I felt I had no right. These women were suffering and I was done. I felt like a fraud, like a joke and like a wimp. I was not strong. I merely got off easy. So I stopped writing. I couldn't even look at my blog or think about it. Who was I to be complaining about my situation when there were others I saw daily that were so much more worse off?

I explained all of this to my girlfriend who inquired about my blog last night and do you know what she said. She said I never really saw your blog as a cancer survivors blog but as a personal journey. That got me thinking. She was right. Cancer isn't about comparing. It isn't a game of my symptom is worse than yours. It's real and it's scary no matter what stage you are in.

So here I am and here it is, my personal journey. Cancer just happens to be riding shotgun.